It’s easy not to think of babies much yet. I’m clinically obese. This means there’s not much to indicate I’m pregnant. My breasts are bigger, and that’s about it. I’ve gained a bit of weight but I gain and lose amounts less than 10 lbs so easily that it doesn’t really seem significant. We haven’t heard a heartbeat yet, ’cause again, I’m obese. I assume I’m still pregnant with a living fetus, because there’s been no cramps, no blood, lots of sneezing and the continuing attacks of nausea. Every so often I have to refer to a web calculator to find out how far along I am– right now, I’m at about 13 weeks (as measured from last menstrual period). Well, technically, 12 and 6/7 weeks. My next doctor’s appointment is currently scheduled for March 18 (I think) and I guess I’ll be at 15 weeks? Hopefully they’ll be able to doppler a heartbeat by then. And the doctor said something about another ultrasound at my April appointment, which I suppose will be at around 20 weeks.
I suppose at some point after that I should do whatever arcane maneuvers my insurance requires so that I can give birth in a hospital without incurring random expenses.
I’m a little sad that most of my friends-and-acquaintance detailed pregnancy blogs are by slender women. I haven’t been able to find a lot of first-hand experiences (complete with occasional pictures– I wonder a lot when, if ever, I’ll ‘show’, and if I’ll ever actually NEED maternity clothes) of being pregnant while also being 80 lbs overweight. There’s lots of simplistic advice to lose weight before getting pregnant, and there’s one website that makes an attempt at being a resource for large, pregnant women– but most of the advice and experiences seem aimed at women far larger than me. and the material they do have is very limited. According to my doctor I’m tiny compared to some mothers she’s worked with, which was nice to hear. But it’s the same way I’ve always felt when bra shopping– too big for the normal stuff, too small for the big sized stuff (my breasts are pretty small compared to my hips and chest. Well, they were.)
Anyhow, mostly what I find is a chart of how much weight I should gain, and lists of all the complications that might come along with being obese. They irritate me, to be honest. I don’t feel like I’m starting out disabled. But it’s hard to really feel connected to stories where the protagonist can see the difference five pounds makes on her body, who notices some pudge and longs for the day when she starts to get a bump so people know she’s pregnant instead of out of shape. I don’t even know if that day will come. Those pictures of those glorious beautiful pregnant women, shining, radiant, barely padded except for protruding tummies, those aren’t me. Even when I see larger, very pregnant women, I find myself whispering, “But what did she look like at my stage? And how much did she weigh?”
Which is just an extension of body questions I’ve always had. I don’t know if it’s objectively true (there have been some comments to support it but who can trust them?) but subjectively I’ve always had trouble finding other women who seemed to be built like me. I weigh a great deal more than some women who (to me) seem much more cushioned. My boobs never kept up with the rest of me. I’m pretty darn flexible (don’t ask me to do backbends, though). I say I’m eighty pounds overweight but there are healthy women literally half my weight (which has, admittedly, gone up since moving).
I’d gotten used to feeling kind of like a wuzzle. But this stage of pregnancy is so much about anticipation and anxiety. I’ve opted out of as much of the anxiety as I can (which includes opting out on some of the more intense anticipations of tasty little toes; I literally can’t go there without, in quick succession, anxiety attacks: nothing is guaranteed– followed by autonomous anxiety shutdown procedures: only work with data you actually have), so what’s left is anticipating the pregnancy itself: the bump. The heartbeat. The movement. The things that will enable anticipation of all the rest. And I just don’t know what I’ll get or when I’ll get it. So… I just check on my new seedlings and wait for germination of the other seeds. It’s only 7-10 days and the seeding medium is absolutely, positively standard and within all the normal parameters.
Stacy, 
Spencer, 
Chrysoula and one other person are discussing. 
Michelle, 
cathy, and 
I hope it gets better as you enter the second trimester. If it does, make sure that you and Kevin take a mid-pregnancy getaway somewhere. 
Misty, 
Annabelle and 11 others are discussing. 
Anna 6:43 am on March 6, 2007 Permalink
You might speak with my and Dara’s friend Kathryn–she’s kathrynt on LJ. She is also obese and just had her baby Lillian this past October. I’d be happy to ask her to ping you if you like.
Stacy 9:16 am on March 6, 2007 Permalink
First of all, *hugs*
I wanted to mention that I relied a lot on the ivillage.com message boards while I was pregnant, to virtually hang out with other expectant moms. At the time, I didn’t really have anyone local who was pregnant or who had been pregnant.
This group might be interesting in terms of finding other moms who might show later, etc.:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-pppgoverwt
And here’s the group for expectant mothers who are due in September, 2007. If you post something along the lines of the above there, you might get some good responses. Everyone was really nice and positive on the May, 2006 message board.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-prsep07n
Chrysoula 12:22 pm on March 6, 2007 Permalink
I might add Kathryn’s blog to those I dig through when I’m looking for experiences since she’s not totally unfamiliar to me.
But lest I give the wrong impression, I’m not actually unhappy. I just feel a little isolated from the experiences my friends have documented. I mostly peruse friends-and-acquaintance blogs because they’re people who have an already-established identity for me. It’s harder (but not impossible) for me to feel connected to the stories of strangers.
Why did you end up on ivillage instead of the tons of other pregnancy boards, Stacy? I’ve poked at a few…
Spencer 1:56 pm on March 6, 2007 Permalink
Do you know Cyllan? I don’t think she wrote about weight gain and pregnancy, but from pictures, she may have been near your weight pre-pregnancy. I’m not a good judge, being that I’m one of those very small, thin people that you are complaining about.
Stacy 2:29 pm on March 6, 2007 Permalink
In answer to your question, Soula, the reason for me gravitating to ivillage wasn’t very profound. I was looking around for an online pregnancy calendar (the sort where they tell you what should be happening with the fetus from week to week), and noticed that they had expectant mother message boards. Then once I started visiting that board, I went back to it because the people on it were nice and I started to recognize names. The interface for their message board is a little clunky, I have to say, unless you become a paying member. Which I did for a while.