Woke up yesterday from a nap and realized certain ongoing feels probably indicated I was depressed.
* an ongoing feeling of ‘why bother’ faced with most things. (I often go on to bother, because I have a sun– I mean son.)
* a sense of instability and emotional fragility, as if the least crisis would break me. (I actually think changing how I sleep is nibbling the edge off this feeling.)
* an increase in morbid thoughts and stresses.
After that stellar self-diagnosis, I immediately took steps toward self-treatment, because even depression doesn’t stop my tendency toward decisive impulsive actions, thank you ADHD. And I thought that my problem was mild enough thateven placebo action could help.
This morning I woke up sufficienly detatched from myself that I could further identify my general state of mind these days: It’s going to be a lot of work and then I’m going to fail.
And more importantly, I could suddenly once again remember that I hadn’t always felt that way. I could remember a little of what I used to feel like when I didn’t assume failure was the inevitable end state of all my efforts. Exhilarating! Also kind of a confirmation of my self-diagnosis.
I hope I can remember!