It’s easy not to think of babies much yet. I’m clinically obese. This means there’s not much to indicate I’m pregnant. My breasts are bigger, and that’s about it. I’ve gained a bit of weight but I gain and lose amounts less than 10 lbs so easily that it doesn’t really seem significant. We haven’t heard a heartbeat yet, ’cause again, I’m obese. I assume I’m still pregnant with a living fetus, because there’s been no cramps, no blood, lots of sneezing and the continuing attacks of nausea. Every so often I have to refer to a web calculator to find out how far along I am– right now, I’m at about 13 weeks (as measured from last menstrual period). Well, technically, 12 and 6/7 weeks. My next doctor’s appointment is currently scheduled for March 18 (I think) and I guess I’ll be at 15 weeks? Hopefully they’ll be able to doppler a heartbeat by then. And the doctor said something about another ultrasound at my April appointment, which I suppose will be at around 20 weeks.
I suppose at some point after that I should do whatever arcane maneuvers my insurance requires so that I can give birth in a hospital without incurring random expenses.
I’m a little sad that most of my friends-and-acquaintance detailed pregnancy blogs are by slender women. I haven’t been able to find a lot of first-hand experiences (complete with occasional pictures– I wonder a lot when, if ever, I’ll ‘show’, and if I’ll ever actually NEED maternity clothes) of being pregnant while also being 80 lbs overweight. There’s lots of simplistic advice to lose weight before getting pregnant, and there’s one website that makes an attempt at being a resource for large, pregnant women– but most of the advice and experiences seem aimed at women far larger than me. and the material they do have is very limited. According to my doctor I’m tiny compared to some mothers she’s worked with, which was nice to hear. But it’s the same way I’ve always felt when bra shopping– too big for the normal stuff, too small for the big sized stuff (my breasts are pretty small compared to my hips and chest. Well, they were.)
Anyhow, mostly what I find is a chart of how much weight I should gain, and lists of all the complications that might come along with being obese. They irritate me, to be honest. I don’t feel like I’m starting out disabled. But it’s hard to really feel connected to stories where the protagonist can see the difference five pounds makes on her body, who notices some pudge and longs for the day when she starts to get a bump so people know she’s pregnant instead of out of shape. I don’t even know if that day will come. Those pictures of those glorious beautiful pregnant women, shining, radiant, barely padded except for protruding tummies, those aren’t me. Even when I see larger, very pregnant women, I find myself whispering, “But what did she look like at my stage? And how much did she weigh?”
Which is just an extension of body questions I’ve always had. I don’t know if it’s objectively true (there have been some comments to support it but who can trust them?) but subjectively I’ve always had trouble finding other women who seemed to be built like me. I weigh a great deal more than some women who (to me) seem much more cushioned. My boobs never kept up with the rest of me. I’m pretty darn flexible (don’t ask me to do backbends, though). I say I’m eighty pounds overweight but there are healthy women literally half my weight (which has, admittedly, gone up since moving).
I’d gotten used to feeling kind of like a wuzzle. But this stage of pregnancy is so much about anticipation and anxiety. I’ve opted out of as much of the anxiety as I can (which includes opting out on some of the more intense anticipations of tasty little toes; I literally can’t go there without, in quick succession, anxiety attacks: nothing is guaranteed— followed by autonomous anxiety shutdown procedures: only work with data you actually have), so what’s left is anticipating the pregnancy itself: the bump. The heartbeat. The movement. The things that will enable anticipation of all the rest. And I just don’t know what I’ll get or when I’ll get it. So… I just check on my new seedlings and wait for germination of the other seeds. It’s only 7-10 days and the seeding medium is absolutely, positively standard and within all the normal parameters.