Just as I did last time I made progress on a NaNoWriMo project, I’m keeping what I’m working on mostly a secret. I can’t quite remember why I did last time, other than to not lose momentum, and that’s certainly a factor here. But there’s also something else going on: I’m embarrassed by it. I’m reasonably certain that almost everybody I know will think it’s kind of stupid. If I finish it, I’m sure I’ll talk about it then, but as a work in progress, my faith in it is pretty fragile.
In fact, I also think it’s stupid. I’m usually pretty good at self-analysis, but in this case I’m really not sure why I’m pretty intently working on something that I think is both dumb and unpublishable. Is it just a form of self-infatuation? Is it just easier to work on what I have than try to come up with yet another possible project? Do I ever love something starting out? Or do I just come up with a plan, and doggedly follow it until I have something complete and pretty okay?
I don’t know. I guess that isn’t a terrible way to be. Although I think it’d be better to have a brilliant inspiration, follow it doggedly, and end up with something I consider fantastic and a surefire bestseller.
It’s not that I don’t have brilliant inspirations. I have a lot of images I love floating around in my head. But I have trouble fleshing them out into a story that really fulfills my vision. It’s like how the boy you have a crush on isn’t quite the same as the boy belching on the couch. I don’t want Victoria or 10 Lonely Angels to belch!
So I guess maybe I’m aiming low again? Citadel of the Sky was definitely aiming low, while Matchbox Girls was a serious effort. But both were meant to be quick stories. I promised myself my next project would be something I’d be happy to spend 2 years writing on purpose. And I think this fulfills that promise, even if I do HOPE I’ll have something to show before 2 years are up.
So I’m ready to spend two years working on something I think is dumb?
But it won’t be dumb in the end. Or at least, it’ll be good and dumb!
PS: I can confide in this blog because I firmly believe that only one person I talk to regularly actually reads this blog anymore, and he’s very discreet. Everybody else just relies on Facebook. Shh! Our secret!