June 30th, 2008
We’ve mastered expressing her bladder. Well, I have. She finally pooped, and shaving her rear end was a good idea but it wasn’t awful, in any case. She hasn’t been eating very much, but she’s always gone through cycles of not eating very much, and she’s overweight in any case.
She continues to be alert and interested– still basically Hannah on the top half, although Hannah on a very hot day, Hannah upset because she can’t run to the window or go upstairs with us. She always heads to the stairs when we bring her inside. Baby gates might have to serve double duty…
As far as I can tell, she’s the largest living parapalegic dog on the internet. And truly, her size is the biggest problem if she doesn’t recover– I can see why so many people say caring for their tiny wheelchair-bound dogs is easy. It really, really would be.
I rub her legs and move them a few times a day. I turn her over, and believe me, that’s a pain in the ass. She never let me pet her this much when she was mobile. 
I might try combing her soon. Is that cruel, to take advantage of her disability to inflict something she hates on her? Well, probably not, since it’s almost certainly a healthcare task now, but I know I’m going to enjoy it. I love her fur. Muhahahah.
On a more serious note, I’m still hopeful, but I’m trying to keep myself aware of all the possibilities. Well, really, hope is harder for me than despair, so it’s more correct to say, “I’m maintaining hope even in the face of the possibilities and the potential choices that, frankly, haunt me.”
I haven’t made a move on my shared Dwarf Fortress game in days, but I did start playing Phoenix Wright at Raymond’s urging– a DS is more portable than my laptop. But never fear, Dwarf Fortressers! I shall play on.
Categories: Hannah |
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June 27th, 2008
Robin is exploring the basics of pulling up, by trying to climb onto the lovesac. He doesn’t succeed but he’s realized that he could theoretically get to things out of his reach, and putting his ‘feet’ on the floor would help.
He still doesn’t do standard-crawl but he can army crawl forward with the best of them.
He’s a happy kid today, even when he bumps his head.
Categories: Robin |
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June 27th, 2008
Hannah’s accident was so freakish. As far as I can tell, this sort of thing happens to small dogs, to daschunds mostly, and it seems like an accident but it’s really a degenerative disc disease that finally manifests.
Almost all the dogs with this kind of paralysis are small. And almost all of them require surgery to relieve compression. A bruised spinal cord (also known as a contusion, which took me a while to figure out) is weird. A bruised spinal cord that involves total paralysis and loss of deep pain perception is not something I can find any documentation of, at least in layman’s terms. The medical papers are in gibberish.
So, hey, I might as well keep documenting this.
We have to express her bladder. We tried it. We got a few dribbles, and weren’t even sure what we pressed to get those. It took two people. Now, she had a good solid expression before she left, at around 7:00. And she’s never been a big urinator. But bad bladder management can be fatal. As you can imagine, I’m nervous about doing it right. We’ll see how tomorrow morning goes. But while I knew already caring for Hannah would be a big task, I have a much more visceral sense of it now. She’s not a small dog.
I’m angry. I’m furious. I’m enraged that my dog ended up hurt in such an unusual, random way. I’m angry that her symptoms are so bizarrely extreme– loss of deep pain perception? (That’s when the dog doesn’t whine or bite in reaction to the skin between their toes being pressed on hard.) The recovery rate for that is incredibly low, after surgery. (But there is a recovery rate.) But surgery won’t help Hannah because what’s pressing on her spinal cord isn’t external. So what’s her recovery rate? Was it an insta-press-and-release that she’s now healing from? Or is it still pressing? What happened to her deep pain perception?
I gave her the prescribed medication, and I did it wrong. She may not have gotten part of the anti-inflammatory medication. Hell, she’s a dog. She may have the entire packet cached in her mouth.
Actually, the recovery rate thing above is a simplification. The recovery rates are based on how quickly a dog has surgery after losing deep pain perception. And that’s another reason I’m angry– if it’s fast, the recovery rate is very high. If it’s not, it’s low. But still possible. If her deep pain sense returns in two weeks or so, the recovery rate is higher. If not, it’s very low. But has happened. (I suppose that’s why the vet tech said 8 weeks…) But I’m angry because we did things right. We brought her in right away. We committed to the surgery right away. And yet– surgery wouldn’t help! And if she had deep pain perception, the vet would have been pretty positive in his prognosis. And yet she doesn’t.
I’m so angry. My mother died due to complications from a cancer mostly contracted by old black men. Right now, I just want hope that my dog will be able to pee again on her own someday.
Categories: Hannah |
Tags: hoping for hannah | 2 Comments
June 26th, 2008
Well, it turns out ‘no need for surgery’ just means ‘it wouldn’t help’. God damn it, why aren’t bruises on the spine less bad than compression? A bruise sounds so mild. But stuff has to heal and enough nerves have to survive the healing process.
We have a carrier to make a dog suitcase– it fits under her hindquarters so we can carry them and she can walk with her front legs. We have some anti-inflammatories and some painkiller and some medication to make expressing her bladder easier on her.
And, if in 8 weeks, there’s been no improvement, we have the URL of a place that makes and sells dog wheelchairs. They think she’s lost deep pain, but maintains some reflexes, so the specialist figured it was a rough 50/50 chance of recovery– he’s seen some who have recovered and some that haven’t.
When she saw us in the consulation room, she freaked out– take me home take me home take me home, she whined throughout our consultation with the tech. She was better in the car, but still not happy. Now she’s in the cage, ears alert, looking pretty good. She ate a cookie and seems to be enjoying looking around, and is relaxed.
I hope she needs the painkiller eventually, though. (Because I hope she gets feeling back.)
Hm. She’s started whining. She might be realizing (again) just how limited her movement is. Poor girl.
Categories: Hannah |
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June 26th, 2008
The doctor called after the MRI and said he couldn’t see any reason to do surgery, that her spinal cord was just bruised, and she could either come home or be cared for there. He’s a vet with a PhD, and a specialist in canine spinal injuries. And at first this was exciting good news.
But I’ve been reading about bruised spinal cords, and the care paralyzed dogs need. I haven’t been able to find very much about recoveries– possibly just because most dogs aren’t even diagnosed that far. And I’m nervous, and scared. When I called today to make sure she could come home, the tech said she was ‘fine’ but somehow I doubt ‘fine’ means actually fine.
In light of the reading I’ve been doing, ‘no surgery’ may just mean ‘nothing we can do’. I don’t know. I didn’t talk to the doctor myself. Kevin will be home soon and we’ll drive out there. Please everybody, keep your fingers crossed that I’m just being a worrywart, and Hannah’s being melodramatic. Or something. I’ll post more this evening.
Categories: Hannah |
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June 25th, 2008
Hannah and Dante were racing around the house up and down the stairs when Raymond let them in this morning. I was still in bed, Robin was asleep. There was a thump and Hannah started screaming. She couldn’t move the hind part of her body, including her legs.
It was a bad morning.
The current diagnosis is a badly herniated disc, requiring expensive surgery to repair. That’s a lot better than a fractured spine and a cheap euthenasia shot. But she’s only had x-rays and a referral to a specialist– she was waiting for the MRI at the brand new Kirkland animal hospital when we finally left. (Raymond and Jenna watched Robin while we were gone).
So if things go well, she might be home again with us in a few days, in need of physical therapy but basically healthy. She’s 7 years old– really too old to race up and down stairs, but hopefully able to walk up them for years yet to come.
All I can keep thinking is ‘my poor beautiful dog’. I love her very much.
Categories: Hannah |
Tags: hoping for hannah | 3 Comments
June 23rd, 2008
Robin continues to be enthralled by my mouth. At least once a day I get a comprehensive dental inspection, his fingers prodding my lips, teeth, gums and tongue, while he stares in fascinated horror. That’s usually the only time he also submits to me prodding his mouth. Turnabout is fair play, I guess.
Categories: Robin |
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June 20th, 2008
I love notebooks. The paper kind, yes. Apparently this is a site dedicated to reviewing them: Black Cover. Awesome. Maybe I’ll win one.
And maybe one day I’ll fill a notebook up. I’m a master of starting them but I always want to keep them tightly focused and my ideas always start out on paper and then drift into the ether.
Categories: Updates From the Void |
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June 19th, 2008
Categories: Photos, Robin |
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June 19th, 2008
I find myself wondering… who am I? What do I want to be? Not ‘when I grow up’– I feel pretty confident in how I’d like to earn money. But… what about everything else? What about the fringes of that?
I read a few blogs, mostly personal ones. I read things my friends refer me to. I don’t watch television, except on DVD occasionally, and the Daily Show lineup. I don’t read news sites. I look up answers to questions of my own, I follow links on the web. I do play video games, but I don’t participate in the community around them, except as an observer. I read books, and again, I observe the community around books I enjoy without taking part.
I spent most of my school years as an observer rather than a participant, and I feel like I’m back in that position again. I wonder if I’ll ever again have the shift I had in late high school when I suddenly ‘woke up’ and stopped being merely a watcher. More importantly, I wonder if I want to.
I know lots of people get through life without participating in any kind of fandom, forums, blogosphere or other distributed social network. This introspection arises from an… ahah… observation that people involved in creative, artistic/entertainment professions DO seem to also be part of an active distributed community. Maybe it’s self-marketing?
I’m only seeing the people who fall within the scope of my observation, of course. So a deeper question is, if I don’t want to ‘wake up’, should I even be looking in that direction?
What do I want to be?
I keep thinking that I’d like to be more of a blogger– writing cute columns like a manga author, or writing intriguing teasers for my projects, or critical analysis of games. I almost always have massive bloggers’ block, though. What do I have to say that anybody cares about? I’m not even funny. And even if I did have something to say, how would anybody find it in all the noise of the blogosphere?
I even keep creating blogs so that I could keep the family-focused stuff separate from a more professional site. And then I never post there, not even once.
So, what do I want to be? Do I really want to spend hours a day writing blog entries– and reading others? Because that’s part of those whole thing. There’s overhead associated with whatever I want. I don’t think living a life turned totally inward is healthy for me.
I could do art instead. Underneath all this introspection, I feel very positive– as if I could do well at any endeavor I chose (except maybe writing a professional blog).
Long ago, I gave up on any visual artistic endeavor, because I realized I couldn’t dedicate myself to both writing and a visual art. I just didn’t have the time to concentrate the way I felt I needed to. I feel better about that time now (even as the novel is kicking my ass).
I wonder what the problem I have with blogging is? You’d think a writer wouldn’t have any trouble blogging, right? I certainly don’t mind talking at length. Just ask the people I IM during the day. Why does making abstract art about tentacles, or necklaces out of giant plastic macaroni beads, or writing haiku, or writing a computer game, or painting rainbows, or editing a music video all sound so much more appealing to me? And– why does each imagined accomplishment come with an imagined community?
Do I want to do something as a way of fitting into a community, or do something and then share it with a community that might appreciate it?
I suppose there’s no identity on the internet but what you say and do. I certainly believe that it would be easier to find support for whatever obscure hobby (’plastic macaroni knitting’) I pursue on the internet. Plus, I don’t have a working car. But my sense of boundaries between the internet and the real world are blurred. I know not everybody has a presence on the internet, uses it to find entertainment, talk to friends, etc. But I don’t actually know how big, or small, the intersection is.
Who am I? I want a voice, an identity. What do I want to be?
I suppose right now, i want to be a writer with a finished book. And a reliable SHIFT key, thank you, Robin.
Categories: Updates From the Void |
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