Yucky
That’s how I feel.
I was feeling better. Am, generally, feeling better.
But there’s a sting seeing my friends promoting Justin’s entry (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00121WEFU, Justin is generally a great writer, I’ll say more when I’ve read this story) and knowing I could have been right there beside him. And wondering if my friends think (in the nicest possible phrasing), “Gee, I guess Chrysoula has further to go than Justin does.” And the little voice saying, “I probably do misapprehend my own abilities as much as this could suggest.”
And I want to defend myself– point out all the excellent writers– finalists from other contests, even– who are not semifinalists here. No, really, I don’t suck. Honest. Please believe in me. Please don’t write me off. The judges were a random experienced Amazon reviewer+an Amazon editor. I could have gotten somebody who hated fantasy. (Or maybe I’m a fool.)
It’ll fade, it’ll pass, but as Justin himself said, “It’s tough when something attacks your identity.” The gyroscope of my self-image is definitely wobbling.
Angie, 
Chrysoula, 
Michelle and one other person are discussing.
Anna the Piper 1:29 pm on January 16, 2008 Permalink
*snugs* Hang in there, hon. As you say… this will pass.
I for one certainly don’t think any less of you as a writer for not becoming a finalist in this particular effort. I haven’t read this particular work, but I have certainly seen you write prose often enough in RP to have every faith that you can tell a good story.
Chrysoula 1:34 pm on January 16, 2008 Permalink
It’s not even a finalist! It’s a semifinalist! And there are 836 of them! Plus a duplicate! It’s almost ludicrous.
But thank you. Hearing that helps, as lame as that is.
Michelle 7:59 pm on January 16, 2008 Permalink
It’s too bad they didn’t do reviews on everything read. Yeah, I realize it would be horrible for the reviewers but it would have been nice for the people who didn’t get picked.
*HUG* I’ll second Stacy and say that if you’re feeling too discouraged about Citadel then perhaps it would be good to set it aside and work on something else. Possibly something short so you will go back to Citadel and finish it before too too long.
Chrysoula 11:58 pm on January 16, 2008 Permalink
They did, actually, Michelle– the Top Reviewer judges had to write a review for everything they rated. We have that from a reviewer himself. So.. well… yeah.
Angie 1:53 pm on January 18, 2008 Permalink
I’m still so dismayed about this–I thought CoS was wonderful. Although I didn’t get completely sucked in until later in the book, so maybe the reviewers just didn’t see enough, I don’t know. I’m still proud of you for writing it and submitting it, and will cheer you on from the sidelines on whatever you do next.
*hug* Hang in there. I hope your perspective/identity rights itself soon; it’s no fun feeling unbalanced like that.