The Voice of Dog

[Hannah is guest blogging today]

This is my pack:

  • Walking Boss: Walking Boss does all the fun stuff with me. He plays the footgame. He plays the leashgame. He likes to carry me around, which is only sort of fun, and stick his fingers in my mouth and sit on me. He also likes to go outside with me and he sniffs really foul stuff while I sniff interesting things. And he really knows how to roughhouse. But he also does all the really unfun stuff, like making my leash short when things get really interesting, and dumping me into the bathtub to put icky smelling stuff in my fur. And when he’s not being fun or unfun, he wants me out of his way.
  • Talking Boss: Talking Boss talks and talks and talks. She is always making noises with her mouth. So I sort of tune those out. If I can see her, I can tell when she’s saying something important, because she waves her hands around. And if I can get her to look at me, I can usually make her understand what I want, though it can be slow going sometimes. Like those treats today… but I’ll talk about that later. She’s the one in charge of food, and she’s the one I have to keep an eye on to figure out if anything important is happening. She’s also the one who pays the most attention to me when we’re not actually playing. She never minds if I’m underfoot. She even kind of encourages it. Which is good, ’cause I really like to help and follow her around! She always rescues me from the bad place, eventually.
  • Snuggly Guy: Snuggly Guy locks me out of his den when he’s not around, but even so, I think he’s great. He likes to pet me, and he likes to throw things for me to chase, and he never ever does anything unfun, except for sometimes getting irritated at me for not paying attention to his babbling. I can’t keep track of everybody’s language, folks! I’m doing good here to speak Talking Boss, understand Walking Boss, and get the gist of Cat. And even so, it’s not like you make more than a token effort to understand me. How many ways do I have to say, “Please give me the unfinished dinner you’ve left on your plate,” before you get it? Anyhow, Snuggly Guy is really really great, ’cause like Talking Boss, he likes it I escort him to the mailbox and, really, everywhere. Except his den in the middle of the night. Not sure what’s up with that.
  • The Dinner Kid: The Dinner Kid used to live in Snuggly Guy’s den, but then he left. He roams the world seeking out great things to eat and occasionally he returns for visits, with souvenirs. He smells like hamburgers, and, oddly, cats. He’s my best friend. We’ve known each other since we were puppies! And I want him to know I still love him even though he spends so long away that the others have practically forgotten him. He doesn’t mind if I crawl into his lap. Only food is better than squeezing onto the couch between Snuggly Guy and the Dinner Kid. And often they HAVE food! Mmmm.
  • Puppy Girl: She’s not actually a puppy, I just like to think of her as one, ’cause she has fluffy hair like a puppy. And she truly understands the role of fuzzy toys, though not that I need to take them all and put them someplace safe or else the Cats…. but that’s another story. I don’t see Puppy Girl as much as I’d like to. She gives the best hugs and I let her know how welcome she is. I don’t mind sharing the fuzzy toys with her. If she needs them. But does she?
  • Omega Cat: Omega Cat is this cute fuzzy lump of black fur. He squeaks when you step on him! And he eats really yummy food, but he never gets enough. I share my food with him, because you have to look out for those who can’t take care of themselves in your pack. He never races around to play with me, which makes me sad, because I know he does it with the other Cat. But he’s at least glad to see me most of the time, even if he’s too much of a scaredy cat to actually make his affections plain. I get the gist of Cat, as I said.
  • Alpha Cat: I share my food with Alpha Cat, too. He’d be cute if he didn’t have such an attitude problem. Sometimes I play with him but it never lasts very long. I know not to step on his toes but it’s important he realize that the toys Talking Boss gives me are mine and he can’t have them. I can share my bed and my dogfood, but people need to understand the toy thing, and that’s that.

So, things have gotten confusing again. After a whole bunch of trips to the bad place for me and the Cats, Walking Boss started feeding the Cats a new kind of food, and Talking Boss started putting my bowl out of our reach for most of the day. Why?

The Cats are really unhappy about it. They let everybody know when they’re displeased. I think maybe they’re starving, since they don’t get enough of their yummy food. I’m kind of hungry, too, ’cause I’m used to grazing a few times a day, and right now, the bowl only comes out in the evening.

So this morning, I was pretty hungry and the Cats had kept me up all night yowling. So I went to find the Talking Boss, to let her know the situation. I think she understood me, but she said, “No, Hannah, those cat treats you stole the other day are not yours,” whatever that means. I understood the part about her not giving me those treats I found the other day. Stupid plastic bags.

Okay, so, I went to lay in wait for Walking Boss, and Plan B. When he went outside to sniff his foul stuff, I went outside with him. Then I turned around and asked to go back inside! Because, see, sometimes when I go inside the house, I get a cookie. I’m not entirely sure what determines when I get a cookie and when I don’t, but it never hurts to try.

Walking Boss mumbled something and let me in again, and I told Talking Boss I wanted a cookie. She didn’t quite understand the cookie part, but by now she knew I was hungry, so she filled up my bowl and put it down. This is why I like Talking Boss. However, Alpha Cat was lurking in a corner, and I felt kind of uncomfortable eating while he was there starving. So I told him he could have some. He didn’t understand, of course. As I said, attitude problem. Talking Boss was confused, too. When I explained to her that I was waiting for the Cat to eat, she put my bowl away again! I don’t understand! And I’m hungry!

Does anybody know what’s going on? I’m going to run out of my secret stash at this rate.