Mind the bloody-minded individualist.
January 31st, 2006
I feel fuzzy. Spacy. It’s hard to concentrate.
It’s frustrating when I want something so badly that I can’t focus on the steps in front of me to get there.
It’s frustrating when I stop believing in myself, when I can no longer imagine myself where I want to be, when the vision stops.
Categories: Updates From the Void | Tags: Me | 4 Comments
January 30th, 2006
Kevin ran a Werewolf game this weekend, mostly at my request. It was about the Mountain Gods of the Pacific Northwest, the High Cascades. We spoke briefly with many of them. In the end, the story centered around Tahoma, Mt. Rainier. It was another kind of arty game, not as much as the Halloween game, but with some of the strong imagery again. I think everybody had fun.
Afterwards, I was pretty happy, and following in Kevin’s research footsteps about the Mountain Gods. And once again, I found evidence that my reaction to Mt. Rainier is not unique. She really is breathtaking, but that doesn’t do justice to the way I feel when I see the Mountain rising over the world.
Traffic southbound is very bad, on days the Mountain is out. Everybody slows down to look, before it’s swallowed by a bend in the road.
I call it ‘my mountain’ the same way some people might refer to ‘my god’. I watch it hold up the horizon. I am startled by joy when I look south on the road and see it. It feels like a message. It says, “the world is not simple. the horizon does not predict me. you are more than you think, as am I, as is Seattle.”
When it is hidden for a time and I find it again, it is never as big as I remember, but at the same time, it is larger, and it is always more than I expected. I am never immune to the shock of it, no matter how much I stare.
Categories: Updates From the Void | Tags: Me | 1 Comment
January 24th, 2006
Of course, maybe my dull little wordcounts also sound detached.
Around the time I staggered past the Scene That Ate December, I realized I’d fallen in love with TFN. I swear, I think writing releases some kind of endorphins, because I am filled with an unreasoning passion for the story. I adore it. On a totally emotive level, I feel like it is The Best Thing. Rationally, I can point out all sorts of flaws, minor and major. Emotionally? GOD, IT IS GOOD. I believe in it. I believe it is the little story that could. I believe it could take the world by storm.
See? Endorphins. Also, very different from how I felt in November and December.
I do try to temper my madness. I try to keep perspective. I try to be realistic. And reason continues to be strong and encouraging, even as the most random things puncture my bubble and leave me pouting on the floor (and even when I pout, I’m secretly convinced that it’s just that nobody understands my GENIUS– but read on).
The endorphins are nice, if disturbing. And they’re valuable. I really enjoy the give and take of discussion about things that would improve my novel. Yes, okay, it’s a direct shot to more GOD, IT IS EVEN BETTER feelings.
But, and more importantly, they come coded. It’s a surge of emotion, but it’s about certain things. I know just how each element and character is cool and what makes them cool. I can write about it. And I believe that if you don’t think my characters and plot elements are as cool as I do, I need to write them better.
And I don’t think that’s a bad way to feel at all, especially if sometimes I temper it with ‘next time’ or ‘hell with you’. Which I do.
Categories: Citadel of the Sky, Writing | Tags: tfn, Writing | 1 Comment
January 24th, 2006
I was a compulsive reader of Author’s Notes and similar material when I was growing up. I was hungry for information about the writer’s life, about the process of creating a manuscript and selling a manuscript, and the rinse-and-repeat.
And now I’m a reader of author’s blogs. Times have changed, I think. Once, genre authors were just another kind of artist, working on their dreams. Some failed, some succeeded. I think for the most part, the ones who succeeded did so on the strength of their stories. And the stories didn’t come quickly.
In the blogs I read now, mostly maintained by writers who have had the bulk or entirety of their career in the last decade, well– they’re creating a product, aimed at a market with tastes that have been studied and measured. Generally, they seem to produce 3-6 completed manuscripts a year, tailored for the various markets they sell in. That kind of productivity allows them to focus themselves on the process of writing, be self-supporting, the Holy Grail of writers.
The amount of work involved doesn’t intimidate me, not really. I write pretty quickly. But to be totally honest, the productization does. I don’t hate it. I’m not going to decry it. I have very little idea what that actually means to the story and I’m sure I’m in some standard demographics. But it makes me feel unsettled, as a writer. I just read one of the blogs where the author blamed the market when she received some criticism of certain plot elements and character types from a friend.
I suppose, in my bright-eyed innocence and business naivete, I dream of reaching higher than that. I guess later, when the money starts meaning more, I’ll have to think about how much I’m willing to sacrifice for that reach. I already have some experience compromising on vision.
Further thought leads me to think that what bothers me isn’t the catering to a market, it’s the detachment. Yeah, I know editing can hack off an arm of the baby. I know the more attached I am, the more it’ll hurt if I’m asked to change it. But I don’t know that trying to be business-like and professional, even inside my own heart, is going to be a good answer for me. Holly Lisle says a few times ‘Book is not baby’. But if there’s one thing the structure tutorial has taught me, it’s the writing difference between juicy deep-down passionate caring and ‘doing this because it’s what I need to do right now’ caring. I’m not sure if that difference is visible in my writing. If so, it’s a subtle thing. But how I feel as I write– that’s different.
If it seems like I’m making a big deal about an offhand comment that almost certainly reflects the way any author feels when they’re having a bad day– well, yeah, in a way. It’s just a random comment piled on top of a lot of things I’ve been reading lately. And I’m trying to come to terms with all the negatives of a writing career and ultimately, weigh them against my other options and see if the writing career is still at the top of the heap.
I’m at work, in my worry chair. I’m allowed to think about things like this in my worry chair, all the things that are premature or stressful related to writing.
Categories: Writing | Tags: Writing | No Comments
January 23rd, 2006
60,000 words, nailed.
Mostly written today. I played a little game with Excel. It was hard work. I’m exhausted.
Post title a phrase Kevin deemed to anachronistic for my novel. Sad.
Categories: A Trilogy of Darkness and Glow, Citadel of the Sky, Structure Tutorial, Writing | Tags: tfn, Writing | No Comments
January 20th, 2006
Not a sucky day, not a great day, words-wise. I did play some Puzzle Pirates with Kevin and folks though.
In response to Nathan: I’m not stressing! I’m actually having a really good time writing. I want to finish, a whole lot, but you should consider that like wanting to get a game you’ve been waiting for impatiently for months, not like wanting something to be over. Just imagine if the only way you could get that really cool game was by doing some work every day. And of course, once you’d played that game, there’d be a new one you’d want. Hopefully, in the same way, I’ll be writing on some project or other forever.
In response to Anna: In Citadel of the Sky, the first book of the fantasy trilogy I’m writing as my Structure Tutorial, there’s a waking dream world some people can access called the phantasmagory. (By ‘waking dream world’ I mean a shared mental space with flexible, symbolic scenery that is somewhat subject to the viewer’s whims and constructed of memories and fantasies.) Stuff set in the phantasmagory is harder to write because I have to be more creative in how I describe the physical manifestation of emotions and identity.
Categories: A Trilogy of Darkness and Glow, Citadel of the Sky, Structure Tutorial, Writing | Tags: tfn, Writing | 1 Comment
January 19th, 2006
Definitely progress, definitely not embarassing. Hope I can keep it up.
It keeps me from playing Puzzle Pirates if I don’t organize my evening right, though. Troubling.
Categories: A Trilogy of Darkness and Glow, Citadel of the Sky, Games, Structure Tutorial, Writing | Tags: tfn, video-games, Writing | No Comments
January 18th, 2006
No NaNoWriMo for me.
2800+ words tonight (which seems to translate to about 11 pages) and I might push another 200 out before bed. Is it easier writing about interpersonal interactions placed in the real world than it is writing about metaphysical problems in a dream world?
Judging by the evidence in front of me… I’d have to say, “Yes.”
Or maybe something else is going on. Damned if I know. But over half the words tonight were for a scene I didn’t outline for at all (except a brief note that a certain fact needed to be mentioned somewhere). So it’s certainly not prior prep at work. Hopefully it won’t need to be cut later!
Categories: A Trilogy of Darkness and Glow, Citadel of the Sky, Structure Tutorial, Writing | Tags: tfn, Writing | 3 Comments
January 16th, 2006
In manuscript-submission-format, I have written 202 pages.
Categories: A Trilogy of Darkness and Glow, Citadel of the Sky, Structure Tutorial, Writing | Tags: tfn, Writing | No Comments
January 13th, 2006
All I’ve done for the last seven hours, roughly, is read this blog. It’s about struggles with infertility, and hard pregnancy, and, eventually, motherhood. I got there via tamago in LJ, and I don’t actually suggest anybody pregnant go and read it, at least not from the beginning. However, I’m not pregnant and I found it engrossing and sad and, often, hysterically funny. And also, for my own reasons, encouraging.
Er, right, yes. You know, at 200-300 words a day (if that) I’m not going to make it as a writer. 
I’d planned on finishing this goddamned scene tonight. Maybe getting up early is the answer; I’m certainly not using the time to exercise.
