All the grief and all the pain can’t put Humpty back together again.

It’s funny, looking around and realizing that you’re just a lot of shattered eggshell and all your efforts to reassemble yourself only result in more broken bits. You can look up at the sky instead, and ignore the things that don’t quite fit together but the side effect of that behavior becomes apparent when something forces your gaze down and you spend all day crying because you’re shattered.

I just don’t understand how anybody can go on and live a life like that, shattered, so everytime I notice, I try and try to pick up all the pieces but they fall through my fingers. Fortunately, the very thing partially responsible for shattering me makes it easy to spend each day not noticing so much that I am.

But some things make it hard to avoid. Some things stab me to the core. Each time it happens, I try to reshape the world around me so I can’t be stabbed anymore. But I can’t change my shape, and to each side there’s the fire, so I guess the only answer is to be stabbed each time it happens, and weep.

But how can people exist like this? How can a world made up of people like this function as well as this one does? People get up and go to work each day, barbed wire wrapped around their souls. Is the only answer simply enduring these deep unhealable rents, weeping as we work?

Everytime it’s important that I remember something, there’s a reasonable chance I’ll simply forget. This gets worse and worse as I get older. I’m so tired of weeping and apologizing abjectly, of hating myself for not being good enough. I’m so tired of getting caught up in the moment. I’m so tired of wondering if I’ll fail again this time, and doing a thousand thousand checks to make sure I’m not forgetting something, and forgetting something all the same. There is an inpenetrable fog between tomorrow and today and yesterday and all I can do, really, is hope some fraction of today’s thoughts dribble over to tomorrow.

And I’m so tired of regret, and embarassment, and shame. Already, I regret this post. Oh well.

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Chrysoula

I used to be at attractmode.net, but flakiness is one of my primary traits, and the domain expired. Apparently it was popular enough to be snatched up!

5 thoughts on “All the grief and all the pain can’t put Humpty back together again.”

  1. But how can people exist like this? How can a world made up of people like this function as well as this one does?

    Time. It wonderfully sequences events so that our individual moments of clarity and unbrokenness can dovetail and create a coherent whole, at least when you look at things that way.

    Time can also, with certain wounds, heal.

  2. Perhaps the old nursey rhyme, “humpty dumpty” was far more brilliant than anyone of us every realize. I’ve been thinking so much about you in that position (and praying so much too). But perhaps, just like Humpty Dumpty … maybe you need other people to help you put your life back together again (as clique as that is). Sometimes the world is just too much and we need someone else to reach a hand down and help us stand back up on our own two feet.

  3. My belief on why we keep living even though the world is dark and bliek is because of Faith. A faith that “things will get better”. The only problem is that if they dont set goals things can never get better because they have nothing to look forward to.

    In addition I know you have you beilefs as do I, and kevin is an athiest; but if im wrong corect me. My suggestion is strart looking for a chruch that sutits your beilfs and can help you grow and provide the helping hand, along with God, that we all despratly need even though we deny such a strong calling. . .

  4. Alas, one does have to endure a lot of stabbing…and weeping. However, in between the pain and the tears, there are many good moments of love and happiness. The struggle we face is trying to keep the bad from overshadowing the good. I read something recently that I will pass on to you…

    “Have patience with all things but first with yourself. Never confuse your mistakes with your value as a human being. You’re a perfectly valuable, creative, worthwhile person simply because you exist. And no amount of triumphs or tribulations can ever change that. Unconditional self-acceptance is the core of a peaceful mind.”

  5. *HUGS*
    Someone asked me yesterday in my WIM group whether I thought humans were horribly fragile or really strong, and I said it isn’t an either/or. It’s a both/and. Every time I weep over the pitfalls and fragility at humanity, I also recognize the other side, that we exhibit strength beyond measure in our endurance.

    I don’t know if this will help you, but I want to offer three possible sources.er hand, seeks to determine the cause of

    The first is Buddhism, which I value for its pragmatic acknowledgement of the suffering of life and for the identification of its root causes.

    The second is from the Jewish psychologist, Victor Frankl. I took a lot of strength from him when I was in an emotionally fragile place. He wrote Man’s Search for Meaning out of his experiences being in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. He wrote, “”We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement.” The gifts of imagination you bring to the world /are/ a triumph.

    The other thing that he wrote that really helped me was “”Everything can be taken from a man but …the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” p.104

    The third is Desiderata, a verse my mother treasures.

    “Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
    But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
    Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
    Beyond a wholesome discipline,
    be gentle with yourself.

    You are a child of the universe,
    no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here.
    And whether or not it is clear to you,
    no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

    Therefore be at peace with God,
    whatever you conceive Him to be,
    and whatever your labors and aspirations,
    in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
    it is still a beautiful world.
    Be cheerful.
    Strive to be happy. ”

    I love you. *HUGS* My world is a better place with you in it. What you feel is what you feel…these aren’t meant to shame you into feeling something different, that you /should/ feel peachy. That’s not “true” to you if that’s not what you’re feeling. You feel what you feel. There’s no reason to feel shame over what you feel. It simply is the current condition, no more, no less.

    I add these thoughts because I hope you might think of these pieces when you’re in a good place for them.

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