It’s funny, looking around and realizing that you’re just a lot of shattered eggshell and all your efforts to reassemble yourself only result in more broken bits. You can look up at the sky instead, and ignore the things that don’t quite fit together but the side effect of that behavior becomes apparent when something forces your gaze down and you spend all day crying because you’re shattered.
I just don’t understand how anybody can go on and live a life like that, shattered, so everytime I notice, I try and try to pick up all the pieces but they fall through my fingers. Fortunately, the very thing partially responsible for shattering me makes it easy to spend each day not noticing so much that I am.
But some things make it hard to avoid. Some things stab me to the core. Each time it happens, I try to reshape the world around me so I can’t be stabbed anymore. But I can’t change my shape, and to each side there’s the fire, so I guess the only answer is to be stabbed each time it happens, and weep.
But how can people exist like this? How can a world made up of people like this function as well as this one does? People get up and go to work each day, barbed wire wrapped around their souls. Is the only answer simply enduring these deep unhealable rents, weeping as we work?
Everytime it’s important that I remember something, there’s a reasonable chance I’ll simply forget. This gets worse and worse as I get older. I’m so tired of weeping and apologizing abjectly, of hating myself for not being good enough. I’m so tired of getting caught up in the moment. I’m so tired of wondering if I’ll fail again this time, and doing a thousand thousand checks to make sure I’m not forgetting something, and forgetting something all the same. There is an inpenetrable fog between tomorrow and today and yesterday and all I can do, really, is hope some fraction of today’s thoughts dribble over to tomorrow.
And I’m so tired of regret, and embarassment, and shame. Already, I regret this post. Oh well.